You know, the other day I was thinking about just how much effort goes into holding up appearances. And more then that holding them up because even though we know we are unique and special we do not want to be different.
The fact is that during my journey I’ve encountered it all. Anorexia, bulimia, being called names, being told time and time over that I will be fat no matter what I do. Because eventually all of us get old and fat. I heard people saying that I will look too muscular since I do weights or being thrown candy at when I do not want to have any because they completely mess up my energy levels and then case me to be tired and sugar rush gives me headaches.
At first, it took tremendous effort and time to tell myself that people are just projecting their insecurities, their lost dreams, their hardship, and frustration on me. It is so easy to believe that we are to blame in our anxieties. I am not saying that I am blaming any one else what I am trying to say that why so many people project their worlds on someone else. I am also not perfect and I know I do that too may be that is why I recognize it in others.
So I decided to eat healthy so I can avoid being diabetic in the future (runs in the family) or help my knees and joins by not gaining weight, or getting of Prevacid so I am not dependent on it for the rest of my life because I am too indifferent of what goes into my body. Some people say that I should live a little, life is too short so go ahead have the burger, and fries, and cake, and soda. But for me life where I will not be able to play with my son outdoor is not a life, life where I need my medications to be able to eat that burger is not a life. Life where I can be so weak from mistreating my body so if something does happen I cannot survive. For me that is death already. However, even though my intentions were clear as day it was a battle with pear pressure. People judging and they always will. I went into cycles of eating healthy just to overeat when in public to proof that I am no different, to confirm to standards of eating that pizza at the party even though I just ate because I did not want to deal with questions and asking and telling my life story to everyone. It does get tiring after a while. So instead I ate and ate. Then to just get home and get upset all over again and start the ” I am not doing this again for the 1000 time”.
After I lost weight and competed and stated yoga and practicing mediation ( and no I cannot sit still for 20 min I go for long walks with my boyfriend when he can join me ) I realized that and you already know this but it was finally not just knowledge but something that I can actually apply in real life, I realized that I cannot change anyone’s mind, it is not my battle but I do have control over my feelings, emotions, and happiness. So I decided to change my outlook on how I take in what people say. It is a process and some days are better then others. But I can truly say that I love the new freedom, freedom to be myself and not trying to change anyone else. Plus, I can also help my son by setting example so he can grow and mature and have the tools to take on the world. Because the world does have so much more to offer but unfortunately we close up and build walls due to many unpleasant and negative experiences.
I will be posting more information on how to practice self discovery and freedom. It will be a collection of data from books, traditional chines and tai practices, reiki, western and eastern philosophies, and my personal experience of what worked for me. There is no magic formula but I hope that my insights will help you on your way to freedom. For instance, as I said earlier I cannot sit still for 20 min but meditation is a great way to transfer internal peace and be able to go about your day without taking all the negative energy in. So instead, I modified TaiChi, Yoga, Tai Massage, Qigong, and dance practices into Muscle Flow practice. It helps me stay focused and centered through the day. And as some yogi say practice yoga off the mat.
Have a great weekend.
Esse Libere Fitness – Free To Be Free